Bristol University students are struggling to come to terms with reality of the barren depressing world they have inherited following a global shortage of sequins.
The consequences of the ‘shine famine’ (as it has been dubbed by those affected) are wreaking havoc on many aspects of the poor young scholars’ lives.
“I’ve literally tried everything: cutting up tin foil, repurposing tinsel, I’ve even tried shrinking CDs in the microwave. But none of it is the same, and now my Nan hates me for ruining her CDs” weeped Rona Green, 3rd year Theoretical Physics student.
Numerous events have been cancelled and countless outfits have been ruined in what is said to have been the worst freshers week in living history.
Ali Flashdrive, Promoter of the Divas and Mermaids student night at The Thekla said: “I always thought the concept of Divas and Mermaids was eternal, but now I see my castle was built on sequins and glitter. We might come back with a new night if I can find something that inspires as much joy in the kids as those shiny little discs do.”
Such is the backlog of orders for sequins that it is almost certain that the whole 2019 festival season will be cancelled if the situation cannot be rectified before Spring.
“The only solace that can be taken from this cruel situation, is that we, as parents, can rest easy in our beds knowing that this is the biggest threat to our children’s way of living that they will ever encounter” said Vice Chancellor of Bristol University, Richard E Blithe.
The cause of the sequin shortage is unclear. As it is commonly known, 98% of sequins are made from the scales of Komodo dragons, dipped in liquid WD40 and baked in a kiln.
Some have suggested that a low crop yield in Indonesia (due to climate change), has led to inflated banana prices, causing the monkeys trained to pick the scales from the Komodo dragons to go on strike. This theory however has been strongly refuted by those who say climate change doesn’t exist.