Bristol’s Metrobuses are to be fitted with anti-swan devices in order to combat the crippling effect of swans on the city’s world class transport system, it was announced today.

“Of all the problems that the Metrobus project faces; poorly located bus stops, overcrowding, inaccurate live arrival times, getting stuck in traffic, I could go on… the swan issue is the most easy to solve for the least amount of money. Which is why we will be installing the latest and most advanced anti-swan devices onto each and every one of our buses, and not addressing any of the other problems,” said the CEO of Bristol Metrobus, Ben Onymous.

Swan standoffs regularly brought the city to a grinding halt in 2018.

With two further reports of swans standing menacingly in front of vehicles occurring within the last seven days, it appears that the attacks are intensifying. Thankfully, there have yet to be any serious fatalities.

Mr Onymous, who was speaking at a press conference today, said it was important to face the issue directly:

“Our plan is to tackle the swans head on, by driving our buses into them”

The anti-swan devices, informally known as ‘swan ploughs’ will be made up of two sheets of iron welded together, affixed to the bus and humanely angled towards the road at a mild decline.

The ploughs include ‘nudge rails’, designed to steer the swans away from the bus windscreen and towards an idyllic pond or lake nearby.

“We hope this no nonsense approach to swan management will persuade our feathered friends to be more considerate road users in future.”