Children living in the more leafy, less polluted outer suburbs of Bristol will be given free cigarettes by Bristol City Council, as part of a new initiative to promote fairness and equality.

“We at the City Council are horrified to hear the news that pollution is bad for you, and even worse, this bad pollution is having a disproportionately adverse effect on some of our more urban residents, who tend to live near to pollution,” a spokesman for the Council said.

Research shows that air pollution can stunt the growth of children’s lungs, can increase risk of heart disease and dementia and has hardly any positive health benefits at all.

The Council’s ‘Plan To Tackle The Illegal Levels Of Pollution In Bristol In The Most Fair Way Possible’ has been criticised by some for not doing anything to tackle pollution, however the council was keen to state that they were trying very hard to tackle inequality, which is also a bad thing.

“We don’t want to introduce measures that might penalise certain members of society already hit hard by austerity, which is why, in the spirit of equality, we are giving cigarettes to children in the less polluted areas of Bristol.

We hope that this groundbreaking initiative will, over time, even things out a little.”

Children living on the outskirts of Bristol are being targeted in particular as the Council does not want these privileged children to have an unfair advantage in life over their tiny-lunged inner-city neighbours.

“If all the residents of Westbury-on-Trym could please take up smoking at least two cigarettes a day, this would go a long way to show they are committed to a fair and equal society.”

A further initiative to give free e-cigarettes to babies in Henleaze is expected to be rolled out by early 2020.