A thrilling and ambitious new ‘#1 City Plan’, which sets out aims for the city of Bristol over the next 30 years, was unveiled by Mayor Marvin Rees at City Hall last Friday.

“My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!” explained the Mayor.

The Plan, which sets out a number of increasingly vague goals to achieve by 2050, was inspired by New York’s OneNYC Plan. Which is cool because New York is cool, and now Bristol has a plan, it’s cool too, right?

The aim of the plan is to focus on the many different goals Bristol could achieve, rather than on how to achieve them, which would be far more difficult and time-consuming.

A number of specific objectives are included in the plan, such as:

• All Bristol schools are good and above, as rated by Ofsted
• A Bristol football team in the Premiership
• Zero rough sleeping in Bristol
• Youths no longer doing wheelies everywhere
• Swearing eradicated
• Monkey Tennis

In much the same way that self-hypnosis tapes work, it is hoped that Bristol will work out how to get ‘Every high street in Bristol thriving,’ at some point while it is asleep, using the power of the unconscious mind.

It has been agreed that The Plan will be considered a first draft and will be reviewed and revised every year. This will have the benefit of ensuring nobody is ever held accountable, if any of the proposed aspirations turn out to be too hard or expensive to achieve.