Cribbs Causeway is to be re-named ‘New Bristol City Centre’ as part of a radical re-branding exercise announced by Bristol City Council this weekend.

A press release from the city council cites ‘major private investments in the surrounding area’ including the proposed expansion of Cribbs Causeway, as irrefutable evidence as to why the centre of Bristol must be reoriented to its ‘true centre’, on the edge of the city.

A spokesman for the council said: “We have been working with developers to ensure that the north of Bristol continues to receive vital investment in coffee shops and infrastructure so it can cope with the demand of being the new centre of Bristol.”

As part of the re-branding process, everywhere south of Filton will be re-branded ‘South Bristol’ and investment in the area will be ‘reduced accordingly’.

“In tandem with this work to relocate the centre, we have been working very hard on measures to make the ‘old centre’ in the centre of Bristol less appealing to everybody. We’ve achieved this by implementing additional parking charges on weekends, spending millions on ineffective public transport and badly marked cycle lanes while not cleaning up litter or graffiti.”

Suggestions that the expansion of Cribbs Causeway, coupled with an arena located in Filton, might ‘kill Broadmead dead’ have been refuted by the council.

“This is not the end for shopping at Broadmead. Broadmead will become a new destination: the number one place in Bristol to see flashmobs, a variety of buskers, and of course let’s not forget all the homeless people and seagulls.

“We will of course continue to support Broadmead by putting big stickers over all the empty shop windows. And the stickers will have pictures of shop windows on them, so it will look like the whole area is thriving, when you drive past on your way to Cribbs Causeway.”